


No One's Here To Sleep

by covetsubjugation



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Character Study, Choking, Gen, I Made Myself Cry, Kid Loki and Kid Thor, Loki Has Issues, Loki still loves Thor, Loki-centric, Not Canon Compliant, Odin's Bad Parenting, Unhappy Ending, trigger warning: violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-05
Updated: 2014-11-05
Packaged: 2018-02-24 05:03:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2569151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/covetsubjugation/pseuds/covetsubjugation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <b>Duress: pressure exerted upon a person to coerce that person to perform an act that he or she ordinarily would not perform.</b>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>There are moments when he feels like he can’t breathe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Warrior

There are moments when he feels like he can’t breathe. There is a steel band around his throat and chest, and it’s crushing him under the pressure, everything within him pressed tight. He chokes and splutters, claws at his own neck desperately, leaving red angry lines behind, gasping mindlessly and his vision flashes, tears are flowing down his cheeks, lights flashing while the corners turn black and he can barely see.

Then the moment ends.

There is never enough air in the world during those moments.

*  
Choking is common on Asgard, a leftover practice from the days of old. It is a sign of dominance, of power. Guards are allowed to use it on unruly prisoners and it isn’t unheard of to hear that someone had died during a drunken fight when he had his throat gripped a bit too tight.

At the same time, it is unspoken, an universal rule that parents were never allowed to use it on their children. Never. It was cruel and beastly. Those that did had their children taken away from them, removed from an abusive environment and unworthy parents.

He had been playing with Thor on that day. They were in the Throne Room. He doesn’t remember what they did, but he vaguely remembers the sound of something breaking with a loud ‘snap’ and a thud as it hits the ground.

But he does remember what comes after.

He remembers Odin appearing in the room mere seconds after, his face going red with rage. He remembers poisonous words and flying fists, but most of all, he remembers the horror and the fear at the sight of Thor flying across the room like a ragdoll who has been tossed aside, and the feeling of fingers grabbing his throat and lifting him up bodily. He twists in midair, mouth falling open at the shock, legs kicking out wildly. His throat burns. He can feel the cool metal of Odin’s ring pressing even harder into his throat. His lungs shrivel, searching for air that isn’t getting through and he is choking on the buildup of spit in his mouth as he tries to scream for help.

He has never been more afraid.

There is a shocked cry of “Father!” and a scream from across the room, before he is dropped on the ground. He wheezes, hacking violently as he curls up feebly on the ground. Gentle hands lift him up and there is an urgent murmur of “No, no, no.. Brother, brother!” The physicians show up and they whisk him out of the room, still doubled over and choking. The last thing he sees is Odin’s eyes firmly latched on him, even as Mother slapped him across the face.

He still thinks about the smug look in those eyes.

*  
To find out who he actually was and how he had been used his whole life was nothing short of traumatic.

He thinks he will choose the pain then over this.

He is picked up and thrown when he fails again. His head cracks against stone, he feels sick with pain. He collapses on the ground, eyes watering. He touches the back of his head, his hand comes back red.

“You have failed. Pathetic,” the voice drawls. The tone’s flat, as if it had expected no less. He would have preferred it if each word had been dripping in disgust, now it feels as if he has been judged for his worth and found useless. He feels like a child, needing to be coddled, weak and pitiful. He gets up on his hands and knees, and he is shaking. A whimper threatens to escape, he keeps his lips pressed tightly together.

The pain begins. It burns, he's on fire. He is turned inside out, then back again. Bones snap, fuse together with the wrong partner. He is being pulled, collapsing in on himself and exploding out all at once. He concentrates on the blood steadily flowing out from the back of his head, and he sobs with the pain, high and wild, like a mindless beast.

The pain abruptly stops. His ears are ringing. He thinks someone just screamed. He thinks it's him.

There is a cruel laugh from above him. "I knew it, you’re weak."

Something winds around his throat and squeezes. Air escapes from his mouth with a violent retch. The pressure increases, and he struggles to breathe, body shuddering violently as he tries to get enough air to breathe.

"This is why you are not king," the voice whispers cruelly. "Your true parents are dead. Odin hates you. Frigga wishes you were never born. Thor sees you as a burden."

He is allowed a precious second of air before he is denied again.

"Can't you see it in their eyes? They claim to love you but none of them do. They have long wished you were dead and gone. They're so _happy_ , their wish has been granted."

He is turning blue again, the passive magic making him look like the Asgardian that he ~~was~~ ~~is~~ was. His vision is nearly black but he can see his fingers turning blue, blue, blue.

“There you are,” the voice croons. He’s been denied air too long, he’s starting to drift. “That’s who you are. That’s what they see. The monster. You are a _monster_.”

The pressure lets go. He’s gone.

*  
They catch up with him in Germany.

He surrenders under the metal man and the soldier’s unwavering gaze. He bows his head, but he lets out a small smile, a barely there quirk of the lips.

Everything is going well.

Until Thor lands on the roof.

He has never been scared of the man, he has grown up with him after all, he knows what he’s capable of, but it doesn’t stop him from stiffening as his throat is grabbed. He immediately tilts his head back, something he needed to learn to get as much air as possible while he was being tossed around by Thanos.

He is dragged off the plane, and tossed onto the ground. He is still in pain, he has barely been away from Thanos for 3 days, but the pain is so much sweeter than the one he has undergone at Thanos’ hand. He laughs at the relief.

“I thought you dead.”

_“Odin hates you. Frigga wishes you were never born. Thor sees you as a burden..."_

“Did you mourn?” he challenges. He barely stops the growl from escaping, he blinks away the tears burning at the back of his eyes. Were you happy, he thinks.

“We all did. Our father…”

_“Your true parents are dead…”_

“Your father. He did tell you my true parentage, did he not?” He did tell you who I really was, did he not? He told you why I was never to be king, why I never measured up to the biological son, how I was always a pawn in his game, a child raised to become a bargaining chip, a stolen relic to prove to everyone how he was kind hearted enough to raise the child of his mortal enemy.

Or did he not say anything, because they could never hurt the golden child, but the monster was fair play?

He turns away from Thor, and Thor turns away from him. There is a lump in his throat. He swallows it down.

“Who controls the would-be-king?”

_Pathetic, worthless._

“I am a king!”

The hand reaches for his neck again, grips it tight. His breathing becomes heavier, the panic setting in.

“You give up the Tesseract! You give up this poisonous dream!” There are tears in his brother’s eyes. “You come home.”

For a second, he wants to say yes. The word’s at the back of his throat, on the tip of his tongue. He knows Thor, knows he will give his life to keep him safe. He could be safe, protected by Thor, loved by his Mother, back in Asgard, the home he has known for all his life.

But he remembers Odin’s fingers around his neck, remembers being a chess piece in Odin’s twisted games, remembers Thanos's promise of retribution. So he closes his eyes, and delivers his choice.

“I don’t have it.”

*  
The fact that he grabs Stark’s neck later has nothing to do with the fact he is angry with himself for saying no, for allowing himself to be used by Odin and Thanos, for being so weak and pathetic, for his throat still hurting, even more now since it has been grabbed by Thor.

It has nothing to do with establishing dominance, nothing to do with wishing that someone, anyone, will just look at him Asgardians look at Thor, with respect and love, nothing with wishing someone will just see him.

It has nothing to do with that at all

*  
But he’s just so goddamn _angry_.

*  
He meets Thor later on top of Stark’s tower. He should feel glad that Thor is begging him to stop, that someone has finally seen the power he wields.

Instead, he feels absolutely disgusting.

He is forced to watch the city falls into ruin, and within him, he aches for the losses everyone suffers.

“Look at this! Look around you! You think this madness will end with your rule?” Thor demands. He watches a building fall, imagines the screams from the people still trapped inside.

He tries to look away, he feels sick. “It's too late,” he begs. “It's too late to stop it.”

He sees Thor reach out and he flinches, thinking he was about to get strangled once again. Tears jump up at the sight, throat throbbing with abuse. He shuts his eyes. He has not cried in front of Thor since they were children, he refuses to give anyone the pleasure of seeing him broken.

But then, Thor cups his face. His eyes fly open in shock and a lone tear escapes. Thor reaches out a gentle thumb to wipe it away.

“No,” he whispers. “We can. Together.”

He is so so tired. He is tired of running, tired of lying, tired of the constant ache in his body, the acidic feel of jealousy and heartbreak.

But to stop means to die. He is afraid, but he can’t stop.

The dagger flashes in his hand.

*  
It is a year before it is him and Thor side by side again. He is brought in to help fix Jane.

Her eyes grow steadily blue. Thor’s eyes grow more concerned.

He is determined not to feel anymore, worn out and tired as he is, even as the days since he last saw Thanos increase. But there is a small part of him which grows jealous of Jane.

He has been replaced in Thor’s life, he isn’t as important anymore. Thor has Jane now.

He likes Jane, he does. She would be good for Thor, better than the other maidens on Asgard. Maybe it is because Odin doesn’t like her, and he is determined to like everything he doesn’t. But he has grown up with an oaf for a brother, and maybe they weren’t as close as they were 2 years ago, but he knows.

He would still kill for Thor, do everything he can to protect him. ~~Ironically, Thor would have done the same for him a year ago. Now? He isn’t sure. ~~~~~~

Jane makes Thor happy. Thor would be devastated with her gone. So he makes up his mind. He promises himself to protect Thor, and by extension, his girlfriend.

He thinks he does a good job. He gets Jane to a safe place once the Aether has been removed, he kills as many elves as he can, using all the tricks his now dead Mother has taught him, and he even stops one of them from pummeling Thor by stabbing it through the back.

He hasn’t even had time to celebrate before _he_ is stabbed through the heart.

The poison takes effect immediately, circulating through his bloodstream with every painful beat of his heart. He nearly faints, but Thor still isn’t safe, so he quickly activates the grenade the elf wears on his hip before allowing himself to fold into himself and crash onto the floor.

The poison has spread to his lungs and he is choking now but he still manages to look at the smirking elf in the eye and say through trembling lips, “See you in Hel, monster.”

It looks down upon itself, horror clear on its face before the grenade explodes and the elf disappears. Thor appears then, face drained of colour, murmuring just as he did all those years ago, “No, no, no… Brother, brother!”

Thor grasps his neck again, but this time it is to simply support him as he is hoisted into his brother’s arms. “Oh you fool,” he swears. “You didn’t listen.”

He tries to grab his brother’s arms, but he can’t. He is too far gone, and he is shaking so much he can’t even raise his arms. “I know... I’m a fool, I’m a fool,” he agrees, and there are tears in his eyes again and he can’t wipe them away even if he wanted to, so they simply spill down his face and into his hair.

It hurts to breathe now, and he aches as his heart continues to beat. But the pain is different from all those times he was denied air. The pain keeps his mind clear as he dies and for the first time in years, he feels clean of all sin and all guilt. The pain feels like atonement.

“Stay with me, okay?” Thor begs and he is crying too and he can’t wipe those tears away, he can’t wipe Thor’s tears like Thor has done for him all those years.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He is gasping as his heart slows.. He is sorry he can’t wipe away the tears that Thor has shed and the tears that Thor is shedding, he is sorry for what he has done and what he is doing, he is sorry for the pain he has caused and the pain he is causing.

He is sorry.

“Shh… It’s okay,” Thor assures him through his tears. The shaking is stopping and he is so close to death that he can taste it on his tongue, he can see Her waiting for him.

He is so relieved that it is going to end soon.

“It’s all right. I’ll tell Father what you did here today,” Thor says. He gathers up all of his remaining strength and raises his arm slowly, painfully. He touches Thor’s face briefly, just two fingers against his cheek, and with his last breath, he breathes,

“I didn’t do it for him.”

*  
There are moments when he feels like he can’t breathe. There is a steel band around his throat and chest, and it’s crushing him under the pressure, everything within him pressed tight. He chokes and splutters, claws at his own neck desperately, leaving red angry lines behind, gasping mindlessly and his vision flashes, tears are flowing down his cheeks, lights flashing while the corners turn black and he can barely see.

Those moments are gone.

 

 

_When the monsters are sleeping under your bed_

_They've crawled out from under and into your head_

_And outside the carcass, into your skin_

_And you need someone to keep the light in_

_~ Warrior by Foxes_


	2. Alternate Ending

He wakes up.

His lips are dry, he licks them. He slowly pushes himself up, body protesting against the strain. The ground underneath his hand is rough but cool. He digs his fingers into it, and brings his hand up to his face, watches the gravel fall through the cracks.

A memory strains at the edges at his mind. He frowns, concentrating. The memory slowly forms.

_Falling to his knees._

_A cool voice._

_Fingers around his neck._

_Gravel under his nails._

_Never ending screams._

_Pain._

His breathing speeds up.

Please no, no, no.

He slowly turns, eyes searching for his own living nightmare. There is nothing but dark, until there is.

He looks up into blue eyes, lighted up with joy and mirth, blue fingers pressed to his lips. The lips spreads, revealing rows of sharp white teeth.

“Miss me?”

The pain starts.

**Author's Note:**

> Many things to say.
> 
> 1) I want to say thanks to my friend, whose name I shall not mention, for giving me the piece of paper that got me started. I also want to say thank you to [PotterheadAvengerDemigod](http://archiveofourown.org/users/PotterheadAvengerDemigod) for the beta as well as the encouragement.
> 
> 2) Inspiration for this fic came from the Avengers AOU trailer, when Thor grabbed Tony by the neck.
> 
> 3) I listened to a lot of Bastille, Daughter and Foxes doing this so you should check them out.
> 
> Disclaimers:  
> 4i) In the unlikely event you get strangled, please don't tip your head back. I'm making shit up, I have no idea what to do in such a situation. As such, don't do what Loki did.
> 
> 4ii) I know Loki did not die in Thor: The Dark World. I claim artistic license.
> 
> 5) The original ending for this fic was that Loki ends up under Thano's thumb again. Since I didn't want to give it up, the alternate ending is in Chapter 2.
> 
> tl;dr: There is an alternative ending in Chapter 2 and I thank a lot of people. Feel free to drop by my [Tumblr](http://bisexualexhamilton.tumblr.com) and say hi. Also, comments are love!


End file.
